


Dark skies over me

by pigalle



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e03 Bella Bella Bella, Episode: s01e05 The Lilies, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, and the ending of episode 5, that first scene up on the roof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-02 00:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8643343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigalle/pseuds/pigalle
Summary: Lukas got up and stalked over to the edge, scaring Philip so badly it felt like his heart wanted to leap out of his throat. Lukas wasn’t watching where he was going, one faulting step, one step forward, to the side, and he would fall down, and he didn’t even know it because he wasn’t looking.~~~~~Everything piling up was getting too much. Every detail of it was running around in Lukas’ head, not giving him a second of rest. And Philip refused to help him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a translation of the phrase “mørke skyer over meg” in the song _Noe Bedre_ by Feitn fra Kolbotn, a song that was featured in Skam (except that “skyer” means clouds and not skies, but I first thought skies because “skyer” is so close to the swedish word “skyar”, which I don’t see as any specific connection to exactly clouds, but just skies in general — it’s just a question of specific meaning and not really relevant).

When Philip saw Lukas sneaking out of the ceremony for Tommy and Tracey, he was quick to follow. It wouldn’t matter that he just stood up and left, no one would notice. No one noticed Philip when it wasn’t some time they wanted something out of him. Lukas might have noticed, but he had already left, so it didn’t matter.

At first he couldn’t find him anywhere, not in the hallway, not in the bathroom, or any obvious place. Philip wasn’t about to check every classroom for him, so he went outside, hoping he would find him there. A hunch led him to the ladder to the roof of one building. He climbed it careful — he wasn’t used to them, and he didn’t want to fall down from this height, it was sure to hurt him badly — and saw Lukas when he got high enough to peer over the edge of the roof. He was kneeling on the opposite end of the roof from Philip, staring down at a paper in his hand.

“Lukas, you alright?” Philip asked as he hurried to walk over to Lukas. “I saw you sneaking out of the ceremony, what’s up?”

“I can’t be crying like some bitch,” Lukas said, his voice choked up, and dried a few tears of his cheek, “not in front of the whole school.”

“You know,” Philip began, wanting to comfort him, “it’s a memorial service, you’re supposed to cry. Everyone is upset about Tommy and Tracey—”

“I’m not everyone, am I?” Lukas asked with his jaw clenched. There was pain in his eyes that Philip just wanted to wipe away.

“Okay, Lukas, let’s just—”

“No!” Lukas interrupted him. “I know what you’re going to say. They overdosed, it's got nothing to do with us.”

Lukas got up and stalked over to the edge, scaring Philip so badly it felt like his heart wanted to leap out of his throat. Lukas wasn’t watching where he was going, one faulting step, one step forward, to the side, and he would fall down, and he didn’t even know it because he wasn’t looking.

“Woah, woah, wait,” Philip could only managed as he hurried after him and gripped Lukas’ arm. “What are you doing?”

“I keep seeing it.”

“Seeing what?” Philip asked. “What are you talking about?”

Then Lukas took half a step forward, getting his foot up on the edge and Philip realised Lukas knew exactly how close to the edge he was.

“The guy,” Lukas said, his voice to void and his gaze to unseeing. “I’m standing right behind him and… I’m holding the frying pan but I can’t move. He shoots you… and then he turns and looks straight at me. He’s gonna kill me. I can’t make it stop—”

“It’s never going to stop,” Philip interrupted him, wanting him away from the edge. They were too close to it, and Philip couldn’t help but glance down every now and then, seeing how far down it was. _Maybe_ Lukas could survive the fall down… “Not unless we tell.”

Philip tried pulling Lukas back, and to his surprise Lukas let him. He walked backwards and pulled Lukas with him, not stopping until they were at the center of the roof. First then could he really feel he could breath again.

“Hey, look, look at me,” Philip said, wanting to get Lukas attention. He spun him around to face him, one hand on each of Lukas’ shoulders. “I told you... it only gonna get worse if you keep it a secret. Just— it’s— it’s not gonna go away, it doesn’t work like that.”

“How come you’re so chill?” Lukas finally asked, his voice faltering slightly.

“I had to be cool for my mom, I can be cool for you, too,” Philip said, flitting his eyes all over Lukas’ face.

Lukas swallowed and seemed to calm down some, and asked, “Your mom know you’re gay?”

“Yeah,” Philip nodded. “I told her about you.” Lukas turned to stare at him, making Philip want to backtrack. It had been a bad idea to tell Lukas that, right now. “She won’t say anything. She just—”

“There’s nothing to say!”

Philip wanted to bite back at the hard tone in Lukas’ voice, but held it back. Instead he asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Lukas almost growled. “There’s nothing going on for her to tell.”

“Isn’t there?” Philip said as he stepped closer to Lukas. Lukas had to admit, if only to himself, that this thing between them really was a thing. Otherwise Philip would have to find the almost impossible way to let go of him, to force Lukas out of his life.

Lukas eyes flitted down to Philip’s lips when there was only inches between them left. If he stepped back Philip would let it go, but if he didn’t…

Lukas didn’t step back. His eyes only kept roaming over Philip’s face, until Philip closed the last distance between them and captured Lukas’ lips in a kiss.

Something about the desperation as Lukas pushed into it made Philip feel like he had to savour the kiss.

 

~~~~~

 

Everything piling up was getting too much. Every detail of it was running around in Lukas’ head, not giving him a second of rest. And Philip refused to help him.

He wanted to be bitter that Philip had refused to help him get drugs, but there was a part deep within him that had understood from the beginning that Philip was going to react that way. It didn’t, however, keep him from taking out his frustration on Philip.

Lukas had regretted pushing Philip all since he ran away from the pond, but he couldn’t make himself turn back and apologise. He knew he would end up doing something stupid again if he did.

He did go back to the pond later, though. When he was certain Philip wasn’t going to still be there.

It was chilly in the air that late in the afternoon, with the sun gone behind angry clouds. It felt like the sky was representing what Lukas was feeling.

The water was more than chilly when he stepped in it, his jeans and shirt laying next to his bike a bit up the small hill. The gun wasn’t too far out, so he didn’t even have to dive to get it up, but he was still shaking by the time he got up from the water.

He debated just staying where he was, but… He didn’t want to be another body alone in the forest. If he was going to be alone he at least wanted to be it somewhere he felt home and familiar with.

(He always though loneliness wouldn’t feel as bad at his home, but if something it felt even worse. The one place he was supposed to always feel welcome and safe, and it was just as any other place… All alone and lonely.)

His dad was still out when Lukas got back home. The truck wasn’t in the driveway and all lights were out in the house.

He wanted to go inside, he really did, but just the thought of all that blood … it made his stomach turn, so he didn’t get farther than just outside the barn where he’d parked the bike. If it had been a beautiful day he could have looked up at the sky and let the sunset be the last thing he saw.

Lukas leaned back against an old car that had never been moved from its last parking, and almost welcomed the freeze-burning feeling of his shirtless back against the metal. It was grounding him in the moment, for once trapping his thoughts in a walk instead of a sprint.

The gun had some kind of otherworldly beauty over it. Lukas could stop looking at it, turning it over in his palm. It was a cold and steady presence, a weight that pulled him down. A promise that all could end.

He didn’t want to look down it’s barrel, just the thought of it reminding him to much of everything that he wanted to forget. The view of it turned away from him, like he was getting ready to shoot someone, had the same effect. The picture of the killer pointing his gun at Philip flashed in Lukas mind.

It helped to turn the barrel upwards as he raised his own hand. He couldn’t take his eyes of the gun, but forced himself to turn his gaze straight forward before he touched the tip under his chin.

He felt nauseous, tried to swallow against it.

The barrel pressed harder into his skin.

He wanted to throw up.

He couldn’t.

His hand shook when he tried to press his finger down.

He was getting sweaty and the gun almost slipped out of his hand.

He swallowed again, and then firmly pushed his finger down.

The gun clicked.

Lukas choked out a sob and fell in a heap to the ground, not having the energy to even care that the wetness from the grass zippered into his jeans.

The gun was out of bullets.

He had shot the last ones at those deer.

The gun fell to the ground with a small thud when the last bit of energy Lukas had had just disappeared completely.

The gun was out of bullets.

And he had really been about to—

He had been so close to…

He almost killed himself.

And even that he failed.

He threw up in the grass beside him until there was nothing left in his stomach.

Another sob came, followed by anotjer, then another

another another another

another

another…

The angry clouds felt like they were mocking him, laughing at him while he cried because he couldn’t even kill himself.

“Lukas?”

A sob came to a choking stop at the call. His dad was home.

In a panic, Lukas stood back up, taking the gun and his shirt, escaping into the barn. He slipped on his shirt at the same time he tried to find somewhere to hide the gun. Maybe … his dad never touched the tools for Lukas bike.

His stashed the gun away and dried his tears. In the panic his sobs had died, and now he only felt empty. Empty of everything, barely even feeling the panic over the emptyness.

“Lukas, are you in there?” his dad’s voice came again, closer this time.

“Yeah, dad,” Lukas replied, forcing his voice to stay steady as he kneeled down like he had been working on the bike all this time.

“You alright, son?”

“Yeah, dad.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr: [jennypigalle](http://jennypigalle.tumblr.com) and [pigalleonwattpad](http://pigalleonwattpad.tumblr.com).


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